song of the week

Lazy Line Painter Jane - Belle & Sebastian.

******
Working the village shop
Putting a poster up
Dreaming of anything
Dreaming of the time when you are free from all the trouble you're in

In the mud, on your knees
Trying hard not to please
Anyone, all the time
Being a rebel's fine
But you go all the way to being brutal

You will have a boy tonight
You will have a boy tonight
On the first bus out of town
On the first bus out of town

Let's see your kit for games
All the girls look the same
You are challenging style for running miles
You're running miles in some boys jumper

Boo to the business world!
You know a girl who's tax free on her back and making
Plenty cash
While you are working for the joy of giving

You will have a boy tonight
You will have a boy tonight
And you hope that she will see
And you hope that she will see

You will have a boy tonight
Or maybe you will have a girl tonight
And you hope that she will see
And you hope that she will see

You are in two minds
Tossing a coin to decide whether you should tell your mum
About a dose of thrush you got while you were licking railings

But you read in a book
That you got free in Boots
There are lotions, there are potions
You can take to hide your shame from all those prying eyes

Lazy Jane, all the time
Painting lines
You are sleeping at bus stops
Wondering how you got your name
And what you're going to do about it

You will have a boy tonight
You will have a boy tonight
And you hope that she will see
And you hope that she will see

*****
It's funny, I knew my friend Lara was in labor the night she labored with her son. I had called & emailed her that day, and she didn't return my phone call or email. I knew why. I was driving around that night without Sassy, and I played this song at full volume in my car and prayed for her labor to go well.

>>You will have a boy tonight
Or maybe you will have a girl tonight
And you hope that she will see
And you hope that she will see>>

Of course, the song may be about something completely different (I can think of two distinct ways to take it), but I choose to take it my way.

the road to pregnancy

Now, of course, it's way too early to feel confident this pregnancy is going to stick, but nevertheless, it has happened. Finally, ovulation happened, and it resulted in a successful pregnancy. What could have led to this event?

(1) As I have mentioned before, Haldol supposedly blocks ovulation. Well, I am now free & clear of the Haldol completely. I am hoping I never have to take it again, but it's too soon to tell that. I do know, however, that I have been able to go almost a month without it, with very few symptoms. So, things are looking up. I ended up treating the Tourette's most effectively with the NAET treatments. In fact, one in particular--the mold treatment--had the most effect. I have also been taking 2 Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc supplements a day, which was suggested on the Tourette's Natural Treatment forum.

(2) I did go on a yeast-killing regime for about a month. My ND said that your body knows when there is too much yeast to support a healthy pregnancy, and it will prevent ovulation. I am leaning more toward the yeast elimination diet being the true ovulation trigger, since I had been avoiding the Haldol as much as possible for over 9 months, anyway. It would be interesting to find out whether the Haldol itself has any yeast connection.

(3) I believe I already mentioned that ND had me do a cleanse about 4 months ago, which lowered my blood pressure to the point that I no longer had to take medication. So, as of now, I am completely medication-free and on my way to an unmedicated pregnancy! Yay! On the blood pressure note, I found a nice BP machine at Big Lots for only $25. It was the more expensive kind, with the arm cuff rather than the wrist-type, and it automatically inflates. This has allowed me to check my BP anytime I feel it might be high, which both my PCP and ND have suggested all along. I have found, though, that my BP is staying perfectly normal. In fact, I took it the other day, after my first positive pregnancy test, and it was hovering at 112/56. Not bad, for me.

If the severity of symptoms are any gauge, this little boy is holding on very strong!

hunches

So I had somehow convinced myself in the last post that I was pregnant. And not only was I convinced, Jeff was too. And here's the results of those hunches:



I know they're faint--that's because they were the first two I took. I ended up taking four more. And they were all positive. So, I'm calling it. I'm pregnant. (With a boy.)

I was in such disbelief at first--which is exactly why I took six pregnancy tests. Anyone else ever have fertility problems? You'll understand. You've taken so many negative tests. AF has come so many times. It's hard to believe that a positive is, well, a positive.

I'm pretty happy about where I'm at with this pregnancy. I'm starting out in a much better financial position than the last time I got pregnant, which means I will have more choices about prenatal care & birth than I did the first time around. I'm also much more knowledgable about prenatal nutrition and what are truly necessary vs. optional medical interventions than the last time around. I've learned, for example, how to prevent pre-eclampsia, which plagued me at the end of my last pregnancy. I have more connections this time around--I know who to go to for prenatal care (both from the midwife end and from the ob/gyn end). I know which local ob/gyn is least likely to give an unnecessary c-section. I have a doctor that I trust. I have many new good friends who I know I can count on if I need them. And who will unconditionally support my choices. This is one of the highlights of this pregnancy--I actually have a supportive local community. And for this I am very thankful.

The dreams have started already. I always get such vivid dreams during pregnancy. It makes it nearly impossible to get a good night's sleep. I woke up before 5:30 this morning, because when Jeff's alarm went off the first time, it sent me into such a strange dream. I dreamt that I was running from a barking dog, and I jumped into some kind of hole. I was trying to climb out of the hole, but I couldn't, so I looked up and saw two faces. It looked like the faces were looking in through about a foot of water. They said, "You're in a waterfall," and I realized they meant an avalanche. Then I started falling, and the snow was coming in all around me, and I couldn't breathe, and I woke up and thought, "You need to wake up or you'll smother in your sleep." I couldn't sleep after that, so I just got up and watched another episode of Little House on the Prairie (thanks, Lara!).

My next post will detail the things I did that led up to this pregnancy. I can't say for sure that any one thing or the other made a difference, but altogether, something worked! So, I'll share my experiences.

And you can be looking for this blog to either (1) end soon or (2) move to a different location. I plan to discuss some private decisions regarding this pregnancy, and I haven't decided if I'm just going to discuss them in person, or in a different (more guarded) online location.

jumping the gun

OK, I am so jumping the gun here, and I so need to reign myself in. I have somehow decided that I am pregnant. Not "might be," not "could be," but am pregnant. And it gets worse. Somehow Jeff has decided that I am pregnant, too. Not only that, but he's decided that it's a boy.

I really wish I hadn't let my brain get set on this idea.

We have gone so far as to talk about how we would accomodate children of different genders (buy a new house? expand our house?). We have divvied up hypothetical housework three months in advance (to cover the first trimester). In fact, last night I asked Sassy, "Would you like to have a baby brother or sister?" She nodded. "Yes....I want a baby brother," she said.

I thought about testing today. AF is not due until Tuesday. It seems to be all I can think about right now! Menopause is going to be a freaking relief, I tell you, when all this waiting will be a thing of the past.

I've also gone far enough down the path of surely-pregnant to start the worrying process. Did I mess up the baby by having five or six drinks since I got that positive ovulation test? Did I give the baby permanent neurological damage by using the homemade laundry detergent recipe I made which includes Borax, a known pesticide! Is the baby screwed to begin with because Jeff has been working with all those chemicals for so many years now?

I've berated Jeff over his dream of me with a baby sometime next year for every single detail. Why did you think it was a boy? Was I happy? Did I look stressed out? Was I handling it okay? I can't wait until he gets home tonight so I can ask him if the baby had any deformities.

I'm already thinking about where I want to give birth (someone stop me please!) and whether I want to find out the gender before or be surprised.

I want to let this go, but I'm stuck at home all by myself today, and I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to think about it. Because I have so much more to figure out! I haven't even started on names for this mythical child yet....

motherhood is boring?

I have strange feelings about this article entitled "Sorry, but my children bore me to death." I immediately had a strong negative impression of the author, but mixed with a curiosity about how the feminist mother's mind works. And, of couse, like any woman's writing, there were glimmers of truth that probably hold true for every woman, which made me want to check my (not so desirable) behavior of late. It's a rather long article--probably about 10-15 minutes uninterrupted (yeah, right) reading time, but it will definitely stir up some gut responses.

I can't say which activity I dreaded more: playing Pass The Parcel at parties with a child who permanently crawled away from the action towards the priceless knick-knacks, or listening to the other mothers go on about such excitements as teething and potty-training. Mind-numbing!

To be honest, I spent much of the early years of my children's lives in a workaholic frenzy because the thought of spending time with them was more stressful than any journalistic assignment I could imagine.

When I read these paragraphs, immediately into the article, I couldn't help but think, "Maybe kids weren't the right choice?" or as my friend Caroline said, "Maybe she should've gotten a dog?"

I know they're out there, but I have never personally met a mother who doesn't get the first birthday. With your first: Hooray! You've kept that kid alive an entire year! And there were so many times you were afraid you weren't cut out for this. With the second: the bittersweet mix of...But they grow up so quick! Where did my baby go? And with every one: how can a mother attend a first birthday party and not get her ovaries all in a twitch remembering her own baby's first birthday?

She goes on to make these few points that actually rang true:

All those glossy magazine spreads showing celebrity mothers looking serene at home with their children serve only to make women feel inadequate. What the pictures don't show is the monotony, loneliness and relentless domesticity that goes with child-rearing.

They don't show the tantrums, the food spills and the ten aborted attempts at putting on shoes. They don't show the husband legging it to the pub so he doesn't have to change a nappy, either.

These, my friends, these are the activities that wear on your soul. How do you keep your cool when your three-year-old is screaming at you, when if it were coming from any adult, you would either scream back or give a big, "F*** You" and walk out the door? How do you vacuum up the corn from last night's dinner this morning when you know--you know!--that the minute you give your child lunch, peas or cheese or bread will be all over the floor again. And you'll drag out the vacuum again. Just in time for dinner. How do you respond to the 20th iteration of "Mommy! Watch this!" when you know that what will follow will probably involve, um, standing on one foot (for the umpteenth time today) or maybe wiggling her toes, which she's been able to do since when? Hmmm, maybe 6 months old?

I understand this feeling of tedium. I really do. But why doesn't Ms. Kirwan-Taylor seem to find any joy in her children?

They know better than to expect me to sit through a cricket match, and they've completely given up on expecting me to spend school holidays taking them to museums or enjoying the latest cinema block-boster alongside them. (I spent two hours texting friends throughout a screening of Pirates Of The Caribbean the other day).

In our family, our lives are about 30% tedium and 70% enjoyment. There is truly nothing better than having a little one crawl up in your lap to read a story (as I mentioned in this post, I make sure the books we're reading are interesting to me, as well). And there's such a great satisfaction in watching Sassy figure out a puzzle all by herself that she couldn't even do a month ago. And I would be hard-pressed to find any movie as entertaining as watching her sing her rendition of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," followed by a bow, and a "Thank you, thank you very much."

We all crave some sort of balance, and, if you're a mainstream mother, you're going to be able to achieve more and more of it as you children grow older. The kids will go off to school, and you will have lots of doors open to you that you didn't have when they were little. The time that children are little is so very short, in the grand scheme of things. It's easy to forget to enjoy it when you're craving a little more independence, or when you're met with behavioral challenges you're not prepared for, but one day you'll look back, and hopefully you'll remember a lot of fun. Hopefully you won't remember just boredom. How sad.

If you read all the way to the end of the article, Ms. Kirwan-Taylor sums up her experiences with her boys nicely. She expects us to realize that her boys are OK with her ignoring them and passing their care exclusively to a nanny. I guess so, in the same way that babies who are left to cry-it-out in the crib are OK with no one comforting them. I think in both cases, they just gave up.

our favorite pint-sized books

Sassy and I love checking out new books from the library. We usually leave with a stack of at least ten, half of which Sassyfrass has chosen from the shelf. That's what's so great about the library--there's zero risk involved in exploring new materials.

Of course, I have a running list of what I would buy if we (1) came across it really cheap, say in a thrift store or (2) came into a little extra money that I could justify spending on new books, say for a Christmas present. Here is that list:

Favorite Books for the 3-year-old

The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big Hungry Bear ~ Don & Audrey Wood

Mole and The Baby Bird ~ Marjorie Newman

A Fairy Went A-Marketing ~ Rose Fyleman

Duck in the Truck ~ Jez Alborough

My Aunt Came Back ~ Pat Cummings

The Giving Tree ~ Shel Silverstein

From Head to Toe ~ Eric Carle

Miss Spider's Tea Party ~ David Kirk

Note that our requirements for a good book might be different than yours. I require that all of our favorite books are fun to read. Why? I have received many books as gifts or hand-me-downs that, while unique in some way or another, are completely boring to read. I try to steer Sassy away from those books as much as possible, because I would rather be engaged in the reading process with her rather than struggling to stay awake. I love reading books aloud that pose some sort of reading challenge, e.g...best read with a certain rhythm, or lots of alliteration and rhyming that is tongue-tricky at first. This makes reading fun for both of us.

I also tend to like the books that have appealing illustrations. Face it, anybody can throw together some illustrations and a simple story line and call it a children's book. But you can recognize those illustrators who have great talent. We seek them out.

I also only read books that encourage kindness to others in all forms, especially animals, as animals seem to be the underdog in our culture.

I won't read books where children within the pages tease others, complain about their parents or the rules, complain about school or learning, or make degrading comments to others. And you'd be surprised how many children's books fall into this category, apparently trying to be humorous or "on the child's level."

If I have time later, I'll edit this post to include what we like about each book, so if you're looking for a particular attribute, you might find it here.

going camping (the old school way)

We are off to Carter Caves this morning. I can't wait! Two of my favorite things in a vacation: horseback riding and self-guided caves. My dear friend Krysty tells me that Mammoth Cave, also close, has horseback cave rides. Oh, what fun that will be one day.

But today and tomorrow we are off on our camping adventure to check out the smaller, lesser-known (and less crowded!) Carter Caves.

We used to camp in this:



...but in a serious lack of judgement, I agreed to let Jeff trade it with his brother for a motorcycle. So, instead, we'll be camping in this:



...only smaller, and older, and cheaper.

I've decided to try sleeping on Sassy's crib mattress, because I'm a wuss, and I don't sleep well on the ground. What I will do when all of our modern conveniences are ripped away from us (which will surely happen one day in a massive disaster), I don't know. But, until then, I will sleep in luxury on my little crib mattress, with half my legs hanging off the end, and probably half my body hanging off the side, since Sassyfrass somehow commandeers the entire bed in the middle of the night with her tiny 3-year-old body.

Will post upon return!

it doesn't get better than...

Summer Watermelon!

go, little swimmers, go!

Yesterday, I had a feeling something was up, and sure enough, my ovulation test was actually....positive. (At least I'm pretty sure it was. I had a second line show up right away, and the line was almost as dark as the control line. Technically, they say it has to be darker, but I have never, ever taken an ovulation test that was this positive before. I always have one line, and a shadow of a second line. So, I'm going with positive.)

Well, suffice to say, it's up to the little swimmers now. If I said, "Keep the little swimmers in your prayers," that would be over the top, right?

Tacos!

I've been fastidiously avoiding trans-fat for at least two years, I haven't eaten red meat in at least five years, and I have eaten at Taco Bell once in the past three years. (On which occasion, I had a 7-layer burrito and some kind of nacho thing with a salty orange slime on it that Taco Bell insisted was "cheese.") So, my taco choices have been very limited. When you start reading labels on every item you buy in the grocery, you will find that all mass-produced taco shells are made with partially hydrogenated oil. I haven't looked for them in the natural foods stores but I would wager most of my earthly possessions that they would be way too expensive for our budget.

When we get the craving for Mexican food (read: several times a week), we eat either tortilla chips with melted cheese & chopped veggies & olives on top or quesadillas made with Wild Oats' whole wheat tortillas, mozzarella cheese, and veggies with a chopped lettuce, salsa, sour cream, and guacamole salad on the side. We eat a lot of these dinners. Or we go out for Mexican food, which, like all restaurant food, is a total diner's roulette anyway, so I don't even try to control it.

But now, I can add.....tacos! I found a great tip the other day on making your own taco shells, which I did tonight, and they were a big hit with the whole family.

We buy corn tortillas at Aldi for less than $2.00 per pack of 30. They store very well in the refrigerator. To make the taco shells, fry the corn tortillas on one side for about 20-30 seconds, then flip to the other side. After you flip them, fold one side in to make a taco shape. Fry for 20-30 seconds, then flip the whole taco over to get the other side. Fry 20-30 seconds and you're done! Sprinkle a little salt on the hot taco shells if you want.

They have a delicious texture. They are chewier than regular taco shells, but more flavorful as well. We filled them with chopped pinto beans, tomatoes, onions, and green peppers, then topped with shredded cheddar cheese, sour cream, and salsa. Somehow, I stopped myself at 2 1/2 tacos, though I could have easily eaten twice as many. Yum!

spoil the child

Everyone knows the expression "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Most people think this phrase is a direct quote from the Bible (usually assumed to be from the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament). Unfortunately, this assumption leads many Christians to follow this advice rather than to follow the example of Jesus Christ. But, did you know, that this phrase does not even appear in the Bible at all? If you're skeptical, I encourage you to try to actually find it in your family's Bible. This phrase comes from Hudibras, a poem written in the 17th Century by Samuel Butler in his attempt to mock the lifestyle it respresented.

“Love is a boy, by poets styled,
Then spare the rod, and spoil the child.”

This post already details my feelings on the "Spare the rod" part. But, let's talk about the spoiling part.

Another wise mama posted on my local AP board today this thought:

Just as bananas sitting on a shelf will spoil if left alone, children will spoil from neglect and NOT from nurturing.

Spoiled means something goes bad from lack of attention.

How many of us who have held our babies throughout their entire first year have heard the admonishments about spoiling? Instinct always held out in those early years (much easier to trust your instinct in the baby years than in the toddler years, IMO), but the "advice" nevertheless annoyed me. I wish that I had had that little quip.

Dr. Sears also addresses spoiling in this article. He writes:

Spoiling happens when a child is put on the shelf, left alone, forgotten about--the way that food spoils...

...Pick them up quickly and they'll get down quickly. Or, as one sensitive mother of a well-attached child said proudly, "He's not spoiled; he's perfectly fresh!" Spoiling does become an issue a few years from now, when overindulgence or permissiveness signals a parent's inability to set limits and provide boundaries. This happens most often in children who are materially bonded or whose parents are still trapped in dysfunctional patterns from their own childhood.

Did you catch that? Because it bears repeating.

This happens most often in children who are materially bonded or whose parents are still trapped in dysfunctional patterns from their own childhood.

Don't think for a second that this isn't exactly what we're seeing in our consumer-hyper, indulgent, impulsive, over-marketed culture where step-families are the rule and child-rearing "experts" have warned us against comforting our babies. I would expect nothing less.

cornmeal mush in the crockpot?

I am on another resurgence wave of frugality. It seems to come every few months. I research frugal ways online, hang around The Dollar Stretcher for info I might have missed, lurk the frugal living forums in my free time, and, of course, refresh my memory with one of my Tightwad Gazettes. No frugalite is truly dedicated unless they own The Tightwad Gazettes. You may think if you're a true frugalite, you would borrow them from the library. That would be my first inclination, too. But, trust me, you need to own them. I read them from front to back at least once a year, broken up into my random spurts of frugal intensity, and I always catch dozens of things I didn't catch on the last (several) readings.

Well, I was reading The Tightwad Gazette, Edition II, the other night, and Ms. Dacyczyn (pronounced "decision"), claimed that cornmeal mush for breakfast costs her 4 cents per serving. I quickly did the math on the cornmeal mush I was buying (Jaxon brand--my grandpa loves to tell the story about how he went to school with the Jaxon boy of local cornmeal mush fame), and realized this "cheap" food (at $1.09 per package) was costing me over 35 cents per serving! This, to my shame, was more than Ms. Dacyczyn pays for cold breakfast cereal, the epitome of spendthrift breakfast options.

So in my search for homemade cornmeal mush this morning, I came up with this:

Rub butter on the inside of a 3 quart crockpot (or spray with a cooking oil - olive oil spray works well for a more flavored italian polenta.) Sprinkle 2 cups of dry cornmeal into the bottom of the crockpot and 2 teaspoons salt. Stir in 7 cups of boiling hot water, stir until lump free. Cook on high for 2-3 hours or on low for 7-9 hours. No stirring required!

Pour into a buttered loaf pan and allow to cool completely. This firm loaf can be sliced and fried or made into a polenta lasagna.

(Quotes from Some Finer Things.)

I love my crockpot! It's a lazy housewife's dream. Now I'm off to let my crockpot work for me all day baking some black beans that I'll freeze tonight.

ETA: I just tried the finished & cooled cornmeal mush this morning. I cut it into thin slices & fried it in a generous amount of olive oil until both sides were brown. I ate it with a little local honey. It was so good. So, thumbs up for this recipe!

mama grape: the AP reject

Just to set the record straight, I do still identify with the attachment parenting principles en masse, but lately, I've been feeling like I'm using less and less of the "toolbox." Of course, I don't have any wee little ones anymore. Just my one little grape, who's already 3 (!!). So, AP sort of turns into this gentle discipline thing when they reach that age. You're most likely not going to carry them around in a sling--my word, I can't even imagine what that would feel like to my shoulders--and even ABC-type carriers are reserved for hiking at this age. Even the majority of the most avid nursers have given that up in the past year. We do still co-sleep, and let me tell you, it's luxurious. I really wouldn't have it any other way. But, aside from that, all of the AP energy I had when Sassy was a baby is directed at this huge, disparate topic of gentle discipline now.

And there are so many different opinions of exactly what constitutes gentle discipline. It's somewhere between "no spanking" and "developing a close, connected relationship with your child where he/she does what you say for the sheer joy of the connection between you." I'm sorry, I'm all for developing a close, connected relationship, but yeah, right. We are two different people. Many times we have two different opinions of what we would like to see happen in any given situation. And then you throw Daddy-o in the mix, and ay, ay, ay!

So, I'm coming out of the closet as the AP reject that I surely would be if I admitted my true feelings to my Mommy's group of other AP mamas.

****Reason Number One: I don't think spanking is the worst thing you can do. (Ahhh!) There, I've said it. And I'll stick by it. Since parenting is such a personal endeavor, I, of course, have very detailed opinions about spanking that go far beyond "it's not always terrible." I think spanking in anger is awful, and every time I've done it, I've felt sick to my stomach and stayed awake well into the night, looking at that peaceful little sleeping face beside me. After two or three times, I quit that altogether (and for what it's worth, that was over a year ago, and I haven't spanked once since then). I also think spanking regularly (as in, more than a handful of times in child's life) is useless. Spanking with any kind of object borders on abuse, IMO. If you've ever hit your child so hard, or with any kind of object that actually left a bruise, I think this is abuse. I would never do that no matter how angry I was, or what the transgression was, because I would forever feel terrible about myself, and I would most certainly witness fear in my child's eyes, which would make me feel like a monster. However, spanking very, very few times throughout a child's life? I can see where that might be useful. And whether or not Jeff and I ever participate in such a drastic action is beside the point. I still stand by my assertion that limited spanking is not the worst thing you can do as a parent.

So what is the worst you could do as a parent (besides physical, sexual, or verbal abuse)? That's easy...reject your child. Constant, repetitive, flat-out rejection. As parents, we know how small rejections can be a slippery slope. How we always have to be on guard to not let our attentions shut down. It goes something like this: child asks you to play, you say you don't have time. Child asks again, you say you are busy at xyz task right now. Child asks again, you say you are fixing dinner, ask someone else. Child quits asking. Child becomes a little more aggressive with friends, toys, you, self. After many days of the same routine, child begins to withdraw from you. Not only does child not ask you to play, child doesn't want your affection anymore.

The turning point for me as a parent-of-an-older-child happened when I recognized this pattern. It is true what they say! You must "fill their cup." Now, when I notice aggressive behavior in Sassy, I (hopefully) realize her cup is not full, and set out to fix this issue first. 99% of the time, the aggression clears up on its own. If I act aggressively toward her aggression, such as, "We do not push babies," or raise my voice in any way, or threaten her with any punitive action, it makes the situation much, much worse. Although it sounds odd, the best course of action for me has been to scoop her up, and talk in Mommy's lap. We talk about how we're feeling (mad, upset, sad, angry, etc.). We talk about what might make us feel better. I pay her focused, hands-on, intensive attention until her mood visibly turns around. Our days then go much more smoothly. Also, it helps greatly to plan to give her at least 30 minutes of Mommy/Sassy activity time every day. It is my opinion that children do often act out to get attention. But that doesn't mean I should ignore it. That means I should give her the attention!

So the reason I don't think very limited spanking is the worst thing you can possibly do as a parent is because those children who have parents that constantly fill their cups and let them know how much they are loved and appreciated and how very wonderful they are, but spank them when they dart out into oncoming traffic are probably better off than those children whose parents never spank, but also are so frustrated and so overwhelmed with having no clear discipline path that they end up rejecting their children when they misbehave. Spanking is often just replaced by yelling. It's very easy to do, and it represents the same power struggle. And it doesn't help.

******Reason Number Two: I threaten and bribe all the time. My typical threat goes something like this:

Me: Sassy, get in the car.
Sassy: runs down the driveway giggling
Me: Sassy, I'm going to count to 3. If you're not in the car, I'm going to come get you myself. 1...2...
Sassy: runs to get into car, laughing

You probably think this is because she thinks very awful things are going to happen to her if she doesn't come. Happily, no. Bad things don't happen to her at all if I get to 3. In fact, if I ever get to 3, I run to get her, pick her up, and either turn her upside down to get her giggling or hug her tight and say, "You little stinker, come on."

We do this with many things I ask her to do. If you don't put your shoes on, I will put them on. If you don't sit down for dinner, I will come get you. If you don't get off the furniture, I will get you down. I have no idea why it actually works, but I thank God that it does! Maybe I'm playing into her desire to be independent?

We also threaten with things. I don't have a problem with this. I think material things are highly overrated in our culture, so if she loses one for awhile or even permanently, it's probably a good lesson to learn early. (Of course if something were very important to her, she would never lose it permanently by me.)

Our newest lesson is about toys on the kitchen floor. Our kitchen is a very busy place, and though I have very few requirements about the general state of the house, having the kitchen floor clear is one of them. She is welcome to bring her toys into the kitchen, and she is welcome to play with them while I'm working. But if she gets up and leaves them on the floor, they could end up in the trash. She accepted this idea very quickly. It took two times of throwing her toys in the trash, and now she will come running to get them if I merely say, "Your toys are on the kitchen floor!" It's rather amusing, because I sound like such a hard-a** here, but when I threw away her toys, I first took the lid off the garbage can. Then, I lined it with paper towels & cardboard so her toys wouldn't get dirty. I gently set them on top and then called to her, "I threw your toys in the trash!" She came running in and grabbed her toys out of the trash can with a concerned look on her face. I didn't care at all that she took them back out, because she took them right into the living room where they belong, which was the point in the first place.

And as for the bribing? We bribe on two occasions: eating dinner & going potty on demand. If she eats a good dinner (not all, but a lot of it), she can have a few chocolate chips after dinner. If she goes potty on demand, i.e...before we get in the car, before bed, etc., she can have a few chocolate chips. That's about it. I prefer to use consequences rather than bribes. But, neither is very favorable in the AP world.

****Reason Number 3: Sometimes we make her sit on the stairs. Well, sometimes Jeff makes her sit on the stairs. But she won't sit for me. She doesn't accept power struggles with me very well at all. Which makes total sense to me. I am her light right now. I am with her 24 hours a day, most days, and--well, remember what it was like when you were three? Your mama was everything to you. I would get angry and out of control too, if the one person I loved more than anyone in the world was mad and raising her voice to me and acting like I was a bad kid and making me sit somewhere as a punishment when the whole reason I probably acted poorly in the first place was because I didn't have enough of her attention that day. So, I do something similar, but different. I have her sit in my lap for xyz amount of time, usually 2 minutes. We can sit and snuggle and talk about the behavior, or whatever she wants to talk about, but she can't get up until her 2 minutes are up. This has always filled her cup, which is what she needed to begin with.

*****Reason Number 4: I hate Alfie Kohn. I think he's damn preachy, and he thinks he's right about everything and that you're going to totally mess up your kids for life if you don't do exactly what he says. And I also think he's focusing on the little tiny picture instead of emphasizing the whole forest. I mean, come on--what is up with this "Good job" business? Here's a secret: you're not going to ruin your kids if you say "Good job" to them. It's really not going to happen. Maybe, maybe if you said "Good job" to your daughter 50 times a day, she would learn that she couldn't count on you for any kind of real opinion, maybe she'd turn to her boyfriend when she's 16 because he gives her the real dirt, and maybe her boyfriend's on cocaine, and maybe he gets her addicted to cocaine because she's "in love" with him, because she's never had anyone tell her how it really is before and she's convinced he's so honest with her because he loves her too. Sure, maybe that will happen. But, if your toddler draws a really freaking cool picture of a boat with people in it, and tells you it's a boat with people in it, and your socks are knocked off because you had no idea she could draw that well, and you belt out an enthusiastic, "Good Job!" it is not going to ruin her life. In fact, it's probably going to make her darn proud of her picture, and when you put it in a frame, and hang it up on the wall like real art, she'll be practically giddy.

Alright, AP mamas, you can kick me out of the club. Those are my dirty little secrets. Do you still like me?

allergies and yeast

Well, the results of the NAET testing are in. Here's the list of what I'm allergic to:

B Vitamins
Dairy
Sugar
Coffee (regular & decaf)
Caffeine
Chocolate
Mold
Nuts (something in the nut mix, but not peanuts or walnuts)

Have I explained NAET? The testing goes like this....you lie down on your back and stick your arm up in the air, and lock your elbow into place. She puts little vials of water that contain eletrical equivalents to different foods on your chest. She tests your arm to see if it's locking into place, or if it's weak. If it's weak, you're allergic to the substance.

Treatment consists of holding the vial of the offending substance while she touches some acupressure points on each of your organs, and then down your back. She also held an acupressure light on my navel for awhile. After the acupressure, you hold the vials for 10 more minutes and then strictly avoid the allergen for 25 hours. And that's it. After that, you should be able to eat the food with no reactions.

I have to admit, it sounded hokey to me. But so many people have sworn by it. Here's a woman from a parenting message board I belong to, and her NAET blog.

But even while I was there, I was thinking, "This is it?" This is it, and then I can eat this food all I want, and my Tourette's won't get any worse?

It's a little different for me than it is for most allergy sufferers. First, I have to decide that, yes, the NAET treatments are worthy of my $65 a pop because they do elliminate allergies. Then, I have to make the leap of faith that once the allergies are elliminated, I will see an improvement with the Tourette's.

It's hard, because I haven't seen any improvement from my first treatment, though the first treatment didn't focus on the major offenders (coffee, mold). And sometimes, it takes several treatments to fully elliminate the allergy. I will say, though, that since I started this process, with the cranio-sacral and the first NAET treatment done now, it's been manageable enough to stay off the Haldol. But I'm running out of money! I have to cancel my vacation planned for August because I've spent all my money on these treatments, and I'm only going to have to spend more to get all the allergies taken care of.

The one thing that gives me hope is that she tested all of my organs to see where the allergies were presenting themselves in my body. (Apparently, allergies can present themselves in any of the organs.) Mine were all in the brain. She said this is what she would expect to find if they were manifesting themselves through the nervous system.

Further, as referenced in the subject line, I'm beginning to look at yeast. I know I have a yeast overgrowth in my body. I have a long and sordid history with antiobiotics, which started when I got multiple kidney infections throughout my childhood, and continued with multiple UTIs throughout my twenties. I took the yeast spit test and sure enough, yeast is running rampant in my body.

There are two possible implications of this (besides death, which I just read on an info sheet. Ay, ay, ay...). One, my chiropractor says that a yeast overgrowth can make it harder for some women to get pregnant. And for those who do, (shudder) harder to stay pregnant. Two, I wonder, and this is just wild wondering, if it might affect the Tourette's. I have completely tangential evidence to back this up! I have read in my Tourette's research that the disease often develops after a strep infection. The doctors are theorizing that the strep bacteria may somehow trigger the Tourette's. But what is the standard course of action for a strep infection? Antiobiotics, of course. And what happens when we take antibiotics? A yeast overgrowth. So is it possible that the yeast overgrowth is causing or at least contributing to the Tourette's? You can see how obvious the link is, right?

At any rate, the pregnancy link is enough to make me consider ridding my body of the yeast. I would have to follow a special diet--basically not feeding the yeast any sugar or simple carbs, and I would have to take some sort of supplement to kill the yeast, and then I would have to take acidophilus for a couple months.

ND says I should do this before trying to get pregnant. I am getting so frustrated with people telling me to "take care of this" or "take care of that" before trying to pregnant. Do they not understand I have been trying to get pregnant for two years already, and it absolutely breaks my heart to think of not trying each month? Each time I don't try for the month, there's just this underlying depression that lasts all month. When AF comes, I cry, even though I knew I wasn't even trying. I watch little grape grow and develop more into a big girl, and I feel this crushing pressure to get myself freaking pregnant already!!! before she's so old that they will never play together. I hate this. I hate this waiting "just one more month." I hate my defective body with all its problems that need "just one more month" to take care of.

tourette's part I

In addition to the fertility treatments, ND (naturopathic doctor) is also treating me for Tourette's Syndrome. The Tourette's started when I was 9, a few months after my mom died. Many times, Tourette's is triggered by a stressful event. The mechanism behind this is unknown. ND suspected that cranio-sacral therapy would help in my case, since it had been triggered by extreme stress. (Incidentally, my sister's Tourette's was also triggered by stress. Hers surfaced just after my dad and her mother divorced.)

We had one session of cranio-sacral last week, and I did notice a difference, but it is not gone completely by any stretch. However, it has been manageable enough since the session that I have been able to stay off the Haldol.

ND said that we might need more sessions of cranio-sacral (C-S). From my understanding, C-S aligns the plates that surround your brain to where they are supposed to be. The reason C-S might be helpful in dealing with the Tourette's is that in some cases, a stressful event might make the plates move to a place where one or more plates are pushing on the area of the brain that deals with the nervous system. Since my Tourette's obviously has a genetic component (my sister, my dad, my uncle), I interpreted that to mean that my family might be genetically predisposed to have our plates move in this manner.

The area on the left front side of my skull was very resistant to the C-S therapy. ND said I was holding a lot of emotion in that area. We worked on it for some time, and it was better in the end (I could feel that it was better, too), but it was not completely free like the rest of my cranium.

The C-S therapy itself I would highly recommend. It was more relaxing than the best massage, even though she barely pressed on my head with her fingertips.

Today we move on to food sensitivities. There is a food allergy & sensitivity program called NAET that I am driving once again all the way up north of the city for, since ND only knows of one doctor in the city that does the NAET testing & treatment. I suppose I'm lucky I don't live in a rural area where none of this would be possible.

I already know that eating watermelon makes the Tourette's worse--I'm excited (and nervous!) to see what else I have food sensitivities towards.

return of AF

This month I thought it might really happen. I know, I think that every month. I analyze every twinge in my body--maybe a little cramping that wasn't there last month, or I'm inexplicably emotional a little too early to be PMS. I could Google "early pregnancy symptoms" and relate to half of the list on any given day. But this month, I thought I had timed it exactly right. What was the period-like cramping that I experienced on exactly Day 14? Wouldn't it have to be ovulation?

Apparently not, because AF returned on Day 28. Another 28 day cycle. It's irritating to be so damn regular, and yet so not pregnant.

This month, I didn't immediately cry or even feel down. I felt angry. I felt angry at my body, and I told Jeff I wanted to gouge out my ovaries with a blunt knife. Stupid, good for nothing ovaries. They taunted me with their perfectly-timed cramping and then produced....nothing. Then I cried.

So what's next?

The ND (naturopathic doctor) ordered chiropractic treatment first. I had that on Friday. The cracking of my joints was very disconcerting, as if it should be accompanied by great pain, leaving me confused as to why I didn't hurt more. I must say I didn't enjoy it at all. Jeff told me that night that he had gone to one chiropractic appointment in the past where they cracked his joints like that, and it didn't feel right to him so he never went again.

I do believe in mind over matter, so I'm a little concerned that I find the chiro appointments so distasteful. It seems to me that if I don't have faith in their usefulness that it will be impossible for them to have any usefulness.

I guess the next step after the chiro appointments would be continuing to eliminate the Haldol through treatment of the Tourette's. Then, ND will add some fertility supplements.

The chiropractor (who I actually really liked as a person) gave me a spit test to take to test for yeast overgrowth. Apparently, when you wake up first thing in the morning, before you do anything else or put anything into your mouth, you should spit into a glass of room-temperature water. If your spit floats on the top, great! You have no yeast overgrowth. If it trails downward in strings toward the bottom, you have a yeast overgrowth that should be treated with Probiotics. He claims that yeast overgrowths can hinder pregnancy.

Of course, I want to do anything non-invasive that I can to achieve a second pregnancy, but how many supplements can one take in the end? I took 30 horse-pill supplements a day during the cleanse, and that was really, really rough.

At least the fun of trying begins again in a couple days. I'm testing for ovulation from Day 7 of this cycle all the way up to Day 21, per chiropractor's instructions. I'm about to order these ovulation tests. I also plan to use The Donna. At least if I do ovulate this month, I'll know it.

my inhospitable womb

So why the talk of "infertility" when you've already had a baby?....you might ask.
Why turn your back on Western medicine when in vitro or fertility pills might help you?
What's the history here?

My husband, Jeff, and I met in November of 2000. We were both 28. We both knew we would one day be married, and we did not use any form of birth control since the start of our relationship. We did not conceive for 2 years (incidentally, a month after we married). There could be many reasons for this, and we still aren't sure what finally worked. But here are some of our theories:

* I have had Tourette's Syndrome since I was 9 years old and I have been on medicine since I was 18 which is purported to stop ovulation (this might explain why I never got pregnant like so many of my young friends did, even though I was no more careful). Nine months prior to conception, I began taking my medicine infrequently, on an as-needed basis.

* When we conceived Sassyfrass, we used a device called The Donna. This allowed us to pinpoint my ovulation, which did happen that month, and voila! 37 weeks later, a baby.

We had Sassy in early 2003. I didn't nurse her (big regrets followed, but that's for another post), so I started back on regular cycles within a few months. Again, we have never used birth control. This month marked the 37th unsuccessful cycle in a row.

So why natural medicine? Well, first I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful and extremely knowledgeable naturopath in my area who--get this--has direct experience with treating Tourette's Syndrome without the use of medicine in one of her own children. Like I said, the Tourette's medicine probably stops ovulation, so I need to find a way to get along without it.

Also, and this is a big one, I don't like being poked and prodded anywhere close to the reproductive area. Am I alone in this? Am I the only one who sees research about 3-year pap smears instead of yearly exams and says, "Sign me up!" Am I the only one who thinks a speculum looks a lot more like a torture device than I'm comfortable with? Why don't more women talk about this?

At any rate, having doctors putting on their white latex gloves and poking around down there trying to figure out what's wrong or running any kind of tests that require me to put my feet in stirrups did not sound like lengths I was willing to go to--at least not without trying less invasive options first.

So with the 37th consecutive unsuccessful cycle passing, I'm beginning a new journey of trying to heal my body from the inside out and trying to get my inhospitable womb to function the way it was designed to. And I'm going to document every step, in hopes that someone else whose body is not cooperating might have a(nother) little grape.

who is mama grape?

Mama Grape hails from Northern Kentucky, just across the river from Cincinnati (the exact city, as you might recall, that caused the whole country to lose the election to W. for the second time). I am the not-quite-stay-at-home mama to one 3-year-old grape, Sassyfrass. I am hoping (and praying and trying and wishing and obsessing and sometimes crying) for another little grape sometime soon--the sooner the better!

I have a few ongoing health issues. Some I have had since I was very young, and some developed during my first pregnancy. On my road to what I hope will one day again be fertility, I also have to deal with these issues. I'm chucking the established medical community and turning to natural medicine. I want to document this journey. I want to share my findings.

So if you're dealing with high blood pressure, Tourette's Syndrome, or infertility, you've come to the right place! If you're dealing with all three, well, that's almost creepy, but welcome, nonetheless. Grab yourself a low-salt snack and some decaf coffee with some chasteberry extract and we'll be on our way.