I am going to out myself here as a total lover of All Things Christmas.
I am that person who puts on the Christmas station on Pandora in the middle of October. (Just once! I mean, the weather suddenly turned cold and the ground froze over by the morning, so I pulled on a sweater from the back of the closet and stayed warm listening to "I'll Be Home For Christmas." Can you blame me?)
I also love all the Christmas decorations. Decorating my house for Christmas is so worth the joy that I don't even mind the clean-up in
January okay, February.
I love the candlelight service on Christmas Eve. It's so hushed, so dim, all those candles passed from one person to another. I love the Candlelight Service so much I still go out of my way to look for Baptist Churches that are holding one so my now Catholic girls and I can go there on Christmas Eve.
And if these aren't proof enough of my love for Christmas (also known to me as "the only good thing about winter"), I even love Christmas shopping. This year, sadly, I don't have any money to go Christmas shopping, but that's okay. With even twenty dollars in my pocket, I love to go to that bane-of-all-that-is-local-and-fair-trade -
the mall. It's really not about the buying. It's about the atmosphere. Christmas music everywhere, jingling bells outside the entry doors, villages where you can pay to tell Santa what you want and have the picture to prove it. I love it!
The only thing that wears on me is that it is a holiday that revolves around gifts these days. Personally, I neither want to buy needless, thoughtless things for myself or others, nor do I have the money to buy for the sake of buying. I think I enjoy the mid-October Christmas music the most of all because the gift buying stress is a long time off. No need to worry over that
now, I think. Let's just feel warm and snuggly and happy right now and fool with all that
later.
Every year, I tell myself I am going to spend more time on things that I
want to do at Christmas and less time on things I feel I
have to do. "This year," I will say, "I am
really going to enjoy it - all the way through to December 25th."
Well, this year, I believe my dreams will come true -whether I'm ready or not. Two years of underemployment plus one new house plus one rather unexpected bonus baby has taken its toll. Discretionary income is non-existent, the credit cards have reached their limits, and my priorities are pretty clear: food, utilities, and loans (that carry heavy fees and penalties if not paid), pretty much in that order.
So what will this Christmas look like instead? Let's see....
Decorating. We are in a new house with its own, unique characteristics.
I can't wait to decorate this house for Christmas. Where will our Christmas village go? How about the tree? How about outside decorations - what can happen there? Anything by the road? It's all so exciting! Finally, we can bring out all the decorations we haven't been able to unpack in smaller spaces and enjoy them.
Pictures. I'm not sure if I will take my girls to a portrait studio this Christmas, but chances are good. I know certain deals are out there for portrait packages as low as $13 with no sitting fees, and I always said once I had more than two children, Christmas would be the occasion for taking family portraits rather than birthdays. Plus, how fun it will be to take pictures of the house after we decorate!
Crafting. I once asked Sydney what she likes to do together, with me. If we had our own Mommy-Sydney time to spend, what would we do? "Crafts," she told me, without missing a beat. "We would have a little craft project and we would sit down together and work on it and each make our own thing." Well, I'm in. I'm not sure just what we will make yet, but I am thinking ornaments, soap, decorations, and a few toys to start. How about some freezer paper stenciling for gifts? We like to peruse the catalogs that come this time of year and think about how we could re-create the things we see in them.
Baking. Of course. We love to bake. Lately I've noticed Sydney seems to not have as much of a grasp on fractions as I think she should by now. This is a lesson begging to be learned in the kitchen.
Candlelight service. Yep. For sure this year. Last year, I waited too long to find one but this year I am keeping my eyes open early.
Now on Christmas morning, of course there will be stockings filled with goodies and packages under the tree. They will be enjoyed for the few hours we will have at home before we head out for the day. But will they be remembered?
Do I play Christmas music in October because of the gifts I received on December 25th?
No. I play Christmas music because of the power it holds to make me feel instantly warmer. It conjures images of villages, trains, lighted trees, a full house: aunts and uncles and
cousins.
I see the Christmas tablecloths covering tables set with poinsettia china, gravy boats overfilling, my grandma busily filling the table with more food, smiling, humming Christmas music.
I see my grandpa poking the fire, hauling, arranging, and re-arranging the logs so we can sit on the brick hearth warming our backs.
I see my other grandpa with his wide smile, hugging me as I walk into his house. I hear him patiently answering all my little questions about this and that and the other, making me feel welcome, knowing in my heart he loves me.
I can honestly say that while I remember several of my favorite toys, I don't remember a single Christmas morning of opening anything specific the way I remember that dinner table, that fire, that wide smile.
And I can say also that while I remember the candlelight service being so very special, I don't recall any library "Christmas program" or any planned "Holiday party" or really, anything at all about what I did with my friends around Christmas. I remember very much what I did with my family, though.
This is important for me to remember when I'm tempted to plan and attend and drive and host and go-go-go. Every four hours spent in commuting to and attending an
enriching program is four hours I have not relaxed with my children. A friend used to call that putzing around the house time "moodling." Without time to moodle, nothing extra gets done. The dishes and counters might stay clean, sure, and everyone is dressed in clean clothes, but that's it. The mind has no time to wander, and the hands have no time to create. Moodling time is absolutely essential.
I have plans to mix some lessons and ideas I want to introduce with some Christmas creations. These ideas come to me on relaxed, at-home days. I have a feeling December will hold much more real-life learning and many fewer workbook pages.
And then there's blogging. Today's post is the end result of a good hour of moodling. Lately, I've been focused so much on writing for a paycheck that I've felt guilty to write for myself. Not only have I felt constraints on my writing time to be spent in pursuit of something financially viable, but I've also felt constraints on my writing style. Certain venues might be a fairly reliable income source, but they are particular in your voice, your subject matter, your point of view.
Then there's my own self-imposed constraints. I know that if I put something on my own blog, I won't be able to sell that for first rights or full rights anymore. At that point, I have self-published. That has been a hard pill to swallow.
But I've begun to realize that when I can't spend time in my own creation, my writing itself suffers. My skills grow in process, while I'm working, in the middle of the essay, in the middle of the thought process. With all those constraints I lose the freedom that allows that growth to happen.
Maybe, just maybe, creating things with the children for Christmas will inspire me enough to take the risk of self-publishing, knowing that although that article can never be sold, it has given me the moodling space in my work that I so desperately need to stay interested - and interesting.
What do you hope to accomplish this Christmas?