ch-ch-ch-chatter

Here are a few truly random, here to there, things for tonight.

First, Evan Almighty. If you have children, rent it. It's the best family movie I've seen since The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. (Which was my favorite movie at the time because I couldn't get over how the Lion brought the story of the cross to life in such a tangible way. Darn it if that C.S. Lewis wasn't brilliant.) I watched the previews for Evan Almighty & thought it looked so stupid for a Steve Carrell movie, but it was a great surprise. An added bonus was Lorelei Gilmore in a starring role -- we so miss the Gilmore Girls.

I made a YUMMY casserole tonight that just used up a bunch of scraps & turned out great for so little effort. I mixed chicken fat (from a few broth-makings...I store it in the freezer) with flour to make a roux. Then I added milk to make a chicken gravy. Yum. I mixed in some leftover lentils & rice I had in the freezer. I threw leftover chicken, a medium-sized yellow squash & about 1/4 large onion in the food processor & nearly, not quite, pureed it. Tiny, tiny minced. Mixed all that into the gravy, lentils & rice. Topped it with tomato slices from all those half tomatoes we seem to collect in our fridge all the time, then put mozzarella cheese on top of that & baked it at 400 degrees until the cheese got brown. I couldn't believe it turned out as delicious as it did. The fact that I used up a bunch of stuff that would have otherwise hit the trash eventually made it even better.

I started an online prayer journal tonight, private because really, it's a prayer journal. I'm glad I started it because I've had a real problem praying for pretty much as long as I can remember. Why? Because my mind wanders....and wanders....and wanders. It's awful. I might start out, "Dear God, I feel so guilty for getting angry with Sofie tonight," and even though I intend to ask for help, patience, solutions, etc., instead I start wandering into, "Where else could we tie her where she wouldn't get muddy," and "Those stairs are so going to fall if she keeps putting so much pressure on them, did I leave my good dish out there tonight? I did see a plate that had fallen off the stairs, I should pick that up before tomorrow's showing, along with dog poop, but I should have done that tonight since garbage is tonight so it won't smell in the garbage can, I wonder if we've gotten any more feedback since the last time I looked, oh crap, I was praying, now where was I..."

Writing makes me focus on one idea at a time. Even writing that is fairly stream of consciousness for me still requires an intro, a middle & a conclusion. Supporting facts & ideas belong in the middle somewhere. Anything off-track belongs in parentheses. So starting a prayer journal is something I've been wanting to do for awhile now & I finally took the time to do it the other day & made my first post tonight. I love it. It means I'm actually praying and seems to be the only way I can.

This brings my personal blog count to five. Hee, hee. I'm thinking of starting another two as well: one for a writing portfolio & one to document our building progress on our land.

I've recently decided I need about an hour to myself each morning to be a kind and gentle mom wife human being. Lately, I haven't been enjoying my time with Sassy or with Jeff or even with myself because I start each morning annoyed that I can't have some quiet time. It's been this way since Jeff started second shift nearly a year ago. The house is so full & noisy every morning. I don't mind full & noisy so much at night. I'll probably have a noise sensitivity forever, but I'd rather the house be full & loud than empty and quiet. In the morning, though, my noise sensitivity is at its worst, plus I'm just not a morning person. I have always been a big grump in the morning; I likely always will. C'est la vie. Not being able to focus myself on the day ahead and process the day before makes me even more grumpy -- surprising it's even possible. I'm hoping that about an hour a day to center myself will do the trick.

I watched Oprah today, on purpose. The woman who left her toddler in a hot car last year -- the vice-principal -- was on in her first interview since it happened. I've always felt for that woman. I wanted to actually write her a letter of support at the time, begging her to forgive herself. Jeff thought she was the walking epitome of evil or something, so I lost my nerve. I remember when she appeared in court on murder charges, they were talking about jailtime. Jeff kept saying how much she deserved it and all this, but I said it really didn't matter. She was going to be numb & dead to the world for a long time & it didn't matter whether she was in jail or at home, it would be the same for her.

They had a Zen author/counselor/whatever on there talking about how we all need to slow down, ask for help, stop trying to do it all. One thing he said has stuck with me all day: "The greatest gift we can give each other is our attitude, our state of mind." It's so true. 90% of my days I am in absolutely no position to be a good teacher or model for Sassy's spirit. 95% of the time, my mind is not in the present. It worries over the future or dwells on the past. If I could be more present, my relationship with both Sassy and Jeff would likely improve.

One exercise I've given myself when Jeff and I argue is to try to forget other times that we've been in similar arguments. If he's angry that I put his towel in the dirty clothes before he wanted it in there, I try not to do my usual routine of "Nothing makes me more angry than when you get mad at me for something you haven't told me about and how the hell am I supposed to read your freaking mind and if you actually loved me you'd realize how much cleaning pressure I have on my shoulders with this house listed and empathize with me instead of worrying about one stupid towel when there's 10 more folded in the basement, this is so typical of you, you're always doing crap like this, expecting me to read your freaking mind." Instead, I am trying to remember that sometimes (usually?)...a towel is just a towel. Some would call this not making a mountain out of a molehill. It is, in essence, an exercise of staying in the present.

A related thought pattern has surfaced for me lately and it all started when I received an unexpected update from this blog I'd forgotten about. All of a sudden, lots of random buzzing inputs from the past several months came together for me to form a solid idea and a solid vision for myself as a parent and a homeschooler.

There are two big, big things I want to give my children: creativity and understanding of spirit. I want them to have the freedom, skill set & trust in themselves to always be creative in anything they do. I believe that creativity can be learned (by nurturing it and allowing it, in your children or in yourself); ditto the understanding of spirit. It must be nurtured & allowed. Of all things that can benefit my children long-term in any area, in all parts of their lives, these two are at the top, along with courage & self-discipline. I'm beginning to see courage & self-discipline as subsets, however, of the understanding of spirit. If you understand and accept your spirit, you will have courage, self-discipline, self-denial & empathy. From there flows joy, love, forgiveness, thankfulness, gentleness ad infinitum.

So how can I give these two wonderful gifts to my children? How can I give them creativity and understanding of spirit? Freedom and experimentation. How can I be sure that they have the freedom to experiment? First they need security. I already give my children security to the best of my ability. Comfort on demand, a mom & dad committed to their marriage, a mother who is with them 24 hours a day when needed -- these give security. Then they need tools. Fewer toys. More tools. What are tools? Tools are generic. Unlike most toys, tools allow children to dictate play. A button can be a mommy, daddy, baby, dog, plate, stool, stage, frisbee, flying saucer. A My Little Pony is just a pony forever. But even the My Little Ponies are better than many toys -- they don't talk, they all look about the same. Like the Barbies of old, they're largely generic. Generic ponies.

As homeschoolers, I automatically think of "experimentation" in terms of elementary science class. Today I am thinking of experimentation differently. How? Well, in my home I'd like to see experimentation without labels. If I give her a bathtub full of bath toys and I'm thinking about floating or sinking, how does it change her experimentation for me to direct the experiment? For me to label the terms "float" and "sink"? For me to decide that this is a golden learning opportunity to be able to check off the float/sink box on my mental checklist of what needs to be learned by first grade? I imagine it changes the experiment quite a bit.

The young years are filled with open minds, minds that have a direct connection with the spirit if allowed, if nurtured. Understanding of true spirit comes free and easy then, unfettered by labels and words and spelling. I believe that any child left on his or her own, without educational TV, without commercialization, with the security of two loving parents which in turn allow that child to feel free to be the essence of him/herself, will have a truer understanding of spirit and a truer connection with God than most of us achieve in a lifetime. If you add in daily interaction with the beauty of God's creation, healthy nutritious real food, parents who model the fruits of the spirit day in, day out with the child, and parents who provide enough discipline and limits to keep the child feeling secure (and therefore free), it is a no-fail recipe for an enlightened child who will always understand his/her spirit. This child will know God innately, regardless of the politics of the local church.

This is a lot to think on for me. I was raised in a public school family by public school teachers. Academics was King. Perhaps I don't care if my children do so well in academics. Perhaps I do care, but deep down I know I shouldn't. Perhaps I continually struggle with humility because I've been taught that academics was King and I'm naturally good in academics. Perhaps academics has taken me as far as it can and it's now time to let it go. My true spirit gains no confidence from academic success; it gains only arrogance.