freedom la la la la la

Well, on the exact 4th day of my new coffee job, today, I awoke early early in the morning. About 3:00 a.m. to be exact. I tossed & turned and told myself I had to get to sleep that I had a big long hurried weekend ahead of me and I was already fighting sickness and I had to sleep. Sleep, dammit, sleep. And then I consulted my little voice on this whole job thing. Why was I already so stressed on only Day 4?

I told a few friends right after my 3rd day (last Saturday) how the assistant manager implied that I was stealing a drink on the way out the door and how they tried to keep me almost an hour after work to teach me the books although no one informed me that this was planned. So, I had Jeff waiting outside for me and both of us getting frustrated for a good 15 minutes. I don't know if I mentioned how frustrating it was that they had no employee manual at all. No policies written down. No training information compiled with instructions on the different procedures, phone numbers of people who could help, etc. Instead, they relied on 3-4 training shifts to teach you all you needed to know & then you were to work by yourself from that point forward.

I'm very comfortable working by myself. With instructions. I like written instructions. At my old coffee shop job, I referred to the training and procedure manual often....after I rewrote it and indexed it for a class project in my tech writing class. I enjoy writing training manuals because I know what a valuable resource a well-organized manual can be.

So I tossed and I turned and I consulted my little voice. I've been missing my little voice. He hasn't come around for awhile. I've been pretty scattered and stressed lately, bordering on the overwhelmed again. My little voice flees like a dove when I feel this way.

My old pastor at my old church, the one that I truly love, the one that has my heart, recently did a sermon on the Holy Ghost. He described the Holy Ghost as a Counselor and brought up how Jesus compared him to a dove. The Holy Ghost does not like to be around certain mindsets. I believe that for me, my little voice skitters away when my mind is all-over-the-place. But apparently, 3:00 a.m. is a good time to be asking for counsel.

My little voice speaks in ideas more than complete sentences, and what I discerned was this: quit. Quit the job. Quit being all-over-the-place. (Why do I keep forgetting these things?) When you do this working outside the home, you are not living your natural life.

There's more. And this is where my little voice deviated from my usual thoughts.

Me: What do I do at home? More gardening? More slashing of bills? Work from home?
Little voice: Serve your husband more.

I've shared my "I'm not a feminist," line with most of my friends, but I never use the word "serve" in relation to my husband. I imagine women that "serve" their husband to always wear long skirts & tennis shoes with white socks sticking out. And never cut their hair -- just pull it up into the bun.

But upon further thought, the little voice is probably right -- again. See, when I work, I start to get stressed & overwhelmed and then I get resentful. I get resentful that Jeff never does housework or laundry or errands or bills. I think, "Well, I work too!" to which he replies, "Yes, but you don't work at a job that supports the family." Many of my feminist friends would likely smart at that one, but I think it's true. I don't carry the burden of supporting the family, nor could I. I am not built that way. I would not be living my natural life.

Jeff, on the other hand, is built that way. That is a very important character trait to him. He may not choose to go to his job on any given day, and it may not be his dream job, but he still goes. That is HUGE to me, because if it were me, I would choose not to go. I would be depressed constantly. I would hate my life, all joie de vivre gone.

The problem is, a $10/hour job demands just as much from you as his family-supporting one does. They carry the same expectations that you arrive on time, that you show up for your shift, that you make them the priority in your life. In fact, the $10/hour job is often more demanding and has higher expectations since the nature of the jobs usually entail some service aspect that can't be achieved without a human being present.

When I work, I feel the same mental strain for that piddly job as he does for his important one. So it's natural that I would get resentful. Of course, resentment never builds a healthy marriage.

What else did my little voice tell me that I wasn't expecting?

Me: Well then, where should the money come from? What kind of job can I get that-
Little voice: A loan.

My whole idea was to pay for this temporary home with cash. But now I feel that perhaps I should explore the loan option a little more. Perhaps it would make this move -- this summer -- less stressful with very little pinch. Aren't I supposed to live, too? I mean short-term pain for the gain is all good and everything, but putting myself into a depressed, resentful state to achieve it doesn't seem like a viable option anymore.

My little voice thinks that my new church is not as good for me as my old church. I know this. The drive is prohibitive for me, but deep down, I know this. I am committed to the new church for now. I have obligations that I'm not willing to break. But I think I need to set aside a certain time & place to download and listen to each week's message from my old church.

So....what did I do after consulting my little voice? I told him how much I'd missed him and asked him not to flee so far and to stick around. Then I went to sleep. Ahhh.....sleep.

And this morning, I woke up, lazed around for a few minutes in bed with Sassy, and then came downstairs and quit my job. And the best part is that I haven't felt guilty about it. I usually feel terribly guilty after I quit a job, but this time I didn't, because I knew I had the support of my little voice.

Freedom la la la la la