no writing?

I think I'm starting to glimpse the true meaning behind "Quit writing," and if I'm right, it's also not something I'm ready to accept. And here comes Sassy up the stairs....perfect timing.

This is the usual pattern. I settle into something that cannot by the nature of the activity include her, just like this post. And next thing you know, she approaches me. And it bothers me. Sometimes just a little bit. Often, it's more than a little bit. I snap at her. I say crazy things to her, like, "Mommy needs quiet time!" or "I HAVE to get my work done. You need to find something to do!"

In reality, telling a 4 year old, in so many words, to "Go away and leave me alone" never works. In fact, it usually has the immediate opposite effect. I might as well just whip out my velcro & give us each a piece instead.

This post isn't very well thought-out & might meader, so my apologies upfront.

It isn't just writing that brings on this scene. It's writing, paying bills, checking email, doing financial spreadsheets, doing group maintenance, researching ideas or information online, replying to posts within larger forums, reading posts within larger forums, requesting media from the library, purchasing things online, sometimes even downloading music. It's interesting to me that I call all of this "work," when actually, it's not. Most of it is truly just play.

When we were browsing the thrift store together yesterday (and, BTW, she was SO GOOD), we were playing this back/forth imaginary game where she was a little girl who was buying a dog from me. She told me about her family. "My daddy doesn't go to work out of the house," she said. "My daddy works in his study. He works on the compootier."

"Oh?" I asked.

"Yes. He works a lot. But he doesn't go outside the house. Well, actually, he doesn't work on the compootier. He doesn't work at all!"

"Oh," I said, "That's interesting. Well, if he doesn't work, what does he do with his time?"

"He plays with me!" she said. "All the time."

No, I don't think it's possible (or appropriate) for Jeff or for me to play with her all the time. But I do think this is a telling representation of how she is experiencing life.

And, as much as it pains me to say it, I don't feel like I am experiencing her. I am managing her. That's mostly how I feel. Even when we play or do things together, my mind is usually on "grown-up" things.

Last night, we laid in bed when we were both getting tired and we played a question game. I told her I could ask her any question I wanted to & then she could ask me. My first question was, "What was your favorite part of today?"

"All of it!" she said, although we truly had not done much that was exciting yesterday.

As we were exchanging questions, I looked into her eyes & she into mine. It was so hard! I was amazed that looking straight into her eyes was as hard as it was. I used to look into her eyes all the time when she was a baby. Why was it hard?

I'm not sure why exactly. Part of it was the earnestness in her eyes. I've never seen someone look at me so earnestly, except maybe an ex or two that was far more into me than I was into them. Not so with Sassy! I look at her with just as much longing and love but it's always when she's sleeping. The mere intensity of her undiverted stare made me uncomfortable with a mix of guilt, radical love and too much emotion. But I think part of it was also that I'd let myself get un-used to it. Most of the time, rather than really listening, the kind of listening where the person can "see your eyes," I maintain our conversations with an "mm-hmm", "oh, yeah?" "hmm, that's cool." Often I have no idea what she's actually talking about.

Naturally, children separate from their parents. Sassy's too little to need to separate so far.

Where does this bring me?

It's not about the writing itself. It's not about the computer or the TV in and of itself. It's about my attitude of management rather than engagement. I could set limits on our TV time & computer time & I think that would be a great start. But it won't finish the job.

To engage with Sassy means that I need to not assume that since she is old enough to be more self-sufficient, that I can take off & do my own thing for a couple hours while she watches cartoons, plays computer games or plays with her toys in a different part of the house. It's OK for her to do those things -- I am not her permanent entertainer. But, it's not OK for me to expect that time. That time is a welcome surprise. An unexpected treat.

My online habits will have to change, of course. I am likely going to take TTC down completely. Well, actually, I will likely make it password-protected & keep it as a virtual filing cabinet of various financial "articles" that perhaps I could market one day. After a few months, I hope I can find time to transfer those to hard disk somewhere & take it down entirely.

I doubt I'll check email more than once/day unless I am expecting something.

I will try to maintain a consistent bedtime at night so that I can do computer work then while Sassy sleeps AND she can hopefully get the sleep a child her age needs, which has been a problem lately.

I will try to involve Sassy in my activities & limit cartoon time to an hour each morning & perhaps an hour of "downtime" in the afternoon, if needed.

I am not the type of person who can play imaginary games all day. Even an hour really wears on my nerves. But I can involve her in what I do & not try to live these separate lives in the same household so that I can loaf on my own.