not for the squeamish

WARNING: graphic, personal material to follow. If you're uncomfortable with too much information about the female body--stop here.

Alright, I thought I would want to take awhile before writing about the m/c, but I'm driven to write it just like any other birth story.

Last night, around 6:00, I noticed regular contractions starting. They started at 5 minutes apart, but quickly made it to 1 minute apart within about an hour. I felt a stong urge to sit on the potty. By the time they were 1 minute apart, they had built in intensity, each one being about 30 seconds long. When they say that m/c pain is like labor pains, they're wrong. They are exactly like labor pains, because that's what they are! It's the same process working--the cervix opening, the uterus contracting, all getting ready to push out the baby, however small he/she may be.

I decided to get in the shower, thinking that the water might help. I leaned against the back wall of the shower & let the water hit my back, which did offer some relief. It was there that I delivered the baby. There was no pushing, I just thought, "Oh, no, here it comes," and out it came. I was scared it was going to go down the drain, which we had tried to plug up, but it looked like parts were still getting through the plug, so I stopped it with my hands & yelled for Jeff to hurry and turn off the water. I saved it for the midwife in a Tupperware container along with the sac that had been stopped by the drain plug.

Contractions continued, so I turned back on the water and stayed in the shower. A few minutes later, more stuff came that I assumed was the placenta. I put it in the container along with the fetus, and figured I was done. I was relieved it was over, though I was still having some contractions and very crampy. I also was feeling a little light-headed & dizzy by this point, so I sat down on a towel on the bathroom floor and called the midwife to come over & check out the tissues that I had saved to be sure everything was out.

She came and was very kind. I was instantly at ease when she got there. She took me upstairs and felt my uterus & checked how much I was bleeding. She said everything looked good. She went and retrieved the container of tissue and brought it up to me and we went through it. She said that it appeared that the placenta never attached to the baby and grew. The tissue she pulled out as we were talking about the placenta was about the size of a quarter--what I would have expected with the size of the fetus (about a nickel).

I was still having very strong, very close contractions while she was here, and she said that crampiness was normal and would continue for an hour or two. She left, and I called my friend Amy. We were talking about the experience, but I had to get off the phone pretty quickly because the contractions were too strong. I felt that maybe I should sit on the potty again and as soon as I sat down--OMG!--there came the placenta.

It was huge! I never would have expected it to be that size. It looked like someone's liver, and was about as big. And the blood...everyone said there would be so much blood, but you can't imagine it until you see it. It literally looks like you massacred someone in your bathroom. It was awful. I was trying to clean it up as I went along, since I really didn't want to gross Jeff out with it, but it was just too much for me to clean during labor. Thankfully, he came along and cleaned up.

I told him, finally, that's it, we can go to bed. I offered for him to leave Sassy with me, since she was crying for me, but he said I would be better off if she slept with him. I'm so glad he made that decision.

I laid down, thinking I could rest for awhile, but the contractions kept coming. I got up and headed down to the bathroom again, thinking at least maybe I could get in the shower if needed. They were still regular at this point, and I stood in the shower, letting the water hit my back, praying, "Please God, don't let it be twins. I don't think I can do this anymore. Please God, don't let it be twins."

Contractions continued for I don't know how long. Labor always causes a time warp. Finally, I decided I would just go upstairs and lie down again, and maybe that would help. Contractions stayed steady & strong, timing at about every 3 minutes & coming in clusters of 3-4 contractions each time. So every 3 minutes, the contraction seemed to go on for about 2 minutes. I did not cry, but I kept praying, "Please, let it stop. Please. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep going. I just need some time. If there's another baby, please can I do it tomorrow?"

Finally, contractions slowed to about 5 minutes in between clusters, then 7 minutes, then 10, and then I drifted off to sleep. Some time later, I woke up with a strong contraction, feeling extremely dry-mouthed & not right. I wanted to ignore it, but I was a little afraid I would pass out in my sleep if I didn't do something, so I sat up and drank the glass of orange juice next to my bed. After that, I slept a few more hours, and awoke at 4:45 a.m. I couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up, got some food and drink, and decided to write it all down here. Crampiness was very strong when I woke up, but is subsiding now.

I am just so thankful that it is over. I pray that I never have to do it again. It's strange, because men have been conditioned in our generation to be present at the birth. They hold your hand, they talk you through it, they bring you popsicles in the hospital, they rub your back if you need it, they help you hold up your legs to push. Miscarriage is the same labor process. It is just as painful, you have the exact same fears & emotions, the same time warp, the same flat inability to do anything besides labor the child. And yet, you have to do it all by yourself. I think that was the saddest part. I felt really, really alone.

But, my body knew exactly what to do, and I was obviously strong enough to do it--with or without support. And I didn't even cry.