screened

Last night, we had a small party where Jeff set off the rest of our fireworks that were rained out on the Fourth. One of his work friends came with his wife and their newborn baby, his 7-year old daughter and her 6-year old daughter. Sassy was thrilled, of course. I thought it was probably a good night to have guests since I was feeling a bit in a funk and figured being forced to “fake it ‘til I make it” was going to be the easiest way to improve my mood.

My dad showed up a few minutes before this other family, and we all sat down on the porch to watch the show. I didn’t have much in the way of snacks, so I set out some dried apple rings from TJ’s and popped up a quick batch of popcorn.

When I came outside with the popcorn, my dad commented on how good the apple rings are. “They were chewy,” he said, “Didn’t expect that. But the flavor was so good it made up for it.”

I teased, “Well, they were dried fruit. What did you expect? Crunchy?”

My snarky joke went way over his head when he nodded and said how he thought they would be like a chip. You know, he said, like those apple chips they sell.

The work-friend’s wife nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, those are so good. That’s what I thought they would be like too.”

I said, “Oh, I see. I figured they’d be chewy like raisins.” (Hint, hint. Raisins = dried grapes.)

“Oh…I never thought of that,” she said.

“Those apple chips are so good, aren’t they?” my dad asked her.

“I wonder if there’s a way to turn chewy dried apples into something more like apple chips,” I mused.

There was a 15-second-ish pause while they seemed to consider this. Then my dad said, “I think it would be easier to just go buy a bag of apple chips.”

Then they both had a big hearty laugh. In fact, this obvious assessment deserved even a rebound laugh on both their parts, where the hilarity started up after it had died down, just thinking about it again.

I was, in fact, not embarrassed or offended that they didn’t want to consider the possibilities of turning chewy apples to crunchy ones. Instead, it gave me a brilliant idea. That’s it! I told myself. A one-question, right-on-the-nose screener to let me know if the person I’m meeting is someone I want to pursue further or someone with whom a relationship would be superficial at best, or plain irritating at worst.

I’ve been thinking through each of my friends and mentally replaying the conversation last night, but inserting them into work-friend wife’s role. There are several of my friends who would have been interested in crunching up chewy apple rings simply for the creative challenge it would provide. “Hmmm….” the conversation might have gone with them. “I suppose you could put them in a dehydrator. Or maybe toss them with oil and cinnamon and nutmeg and put them in a low oven.” Some of these friends might have gone on to other things I could do with chewy apple rings instead of making them crunchy. Apple turnovers, perhaps, or a cheesy-apple-biscuit creation. Yum.

Other friends might have realized that I probably wasn’t going to buy those apple chips even if they were sitting right in front of me because of all the crap I found in the ingredients when I stood in Big Lots reading the label a few weeks ago. From that understanding, they might concur that though I am perhaps stuck with chewy apples versus crunchy, it sure beats putting all that other crud in my body. Yes, indeed.

Still another type of friend might weigh out the options. Well, they might figure, you could just go buy a bag, but then you would have to drive 20 minutes at minimum to do it, drag your two kids into the store, read the label to be sure it’s OK, then come back home. The apple rings are here. But if you try to do something to them, you might ruin them. And that bag probably cost at least $5.00 at TJ’s. I think I would eat them the way they are. Or if you do modify them, make sure it’s not something too risky, unless you absolutely don’t like them the way they are, they might tell me.

A few of my friends would say, “Just go buy a bag.” I still love them, and I still love my dad. That’s not my point. My point is that I now find myself in the middle of farm country where the people around me think an hour away is a “good neighbor,” but my hometown folks see a road trip. So I am, for better or worse, forced to find some more local folks with whom I can pursue friendships.

Past situations have yoked me with some “buy-a-bag” types, and I’m glad to have done so, loving these friends dearly. It’s not necessarily a case of not being able to think outside the box for them. They might be more mainstream thinkers, unable to figure out why anyone wouldn’t choose the easiest route. Or, they might be creative folks that have other things that are far more interesting to them than a bag of apples.

But I am interested in apples. And cooking and nutrition and eliminating driving and shopping and other hassles like these and weighing my financial options and knowing how to improvise and learning tightwaddy skills and making something out of nothing. And I think a screener like this is sure to tell me much of what I’d like to know about you, potential new friend, in five minutes flat.