birthing support

There were a few details I left out of my original birth story. They weren't facts, like the rest of the story. I don't even know if they were real, and if they were "real," then in what way? A real dream? A real visualization?

At any rate, this is what happened. Friday afternoon, my labor started when my water broke. That whole day, I didn't really progress, just had spaced-apart early labor contractions. I was supposed to sleep that night, but I couldn't really sleep. The contractions woke me up enough to make sleep impossible. So I laid downstairs on the couch by myself and slept lightly, dreaming & day-dreaming all at the same time. You know, that state where your mind kind of floats around on top of sleep & dips in every now & then?

In this half-dream, I started to see my mom. I always wish she were here in times of stress or upset, and especially in times of pregnancy & new birth. This night, it wasn't so much the wishing that came first, but the seeing & feeling her. In my awake-dream place.

I sensed felt thought - really, what's a good word? Dreamt. I dreamt that this new baby was part of her. I dreamt that she would be born with dark hair. I dreamt that she had a part of my mother's soul. I dreamt that my mother was behind me (literally), supporting me. I dreamt that she said made it clear that she would stay throughout the birth.

And as I dipped in and out of dreaming into thinking, floating on top of the dream, my thoughts turned to all of those people before me in my family who had also given birth at home without drugs, without the hospital staff of strangers killing their birth spirit. I started thinking about these different women in my ancestral past, and I thought of my Native American great-great-grandmother, my Irish great-grandmother, my English great-grandmother. I vividly remembered the picture of my Native American great-great-grandmother that my great-grandfather had shown me at his house when I was a little girl. I remembered her face and her hair. I thought about where she might have given birth. I thought about what she might have sounded like, looked like then.

And then when I dipped back into dreaming a bit, I dreamt of her, and my other ancestors, woman after woman, many generations back, forming a circle one by one around my little house. After that, there were others, there was my mother, my grandmother, my great-aunts, and then true friends, many of whom read this blog and would read their name here.

In my awake-dream, there was a circle of these women around my house and they chanted something. It was Native American in feel, the sing-song went up high, back low, up high, back low. They formed a chain around my house, there were not words -- if there were, I can't remember them now. Just the chant, up high, down low, up high, down low.

And then I woke up for real. No dreaming, just awake. I lied there awhile, how long I don't know. Labor always comes with a time warp. I lied there trying to see my wake-dreams from the night in the concrete light of consciousness. I held to their residual feelings and burned their images into my waking mind. Then I got up and put curtains on all my windows.

One day soon, I'll probably forget those residual feelings and images in the day-to-day busy life I have. I wanted to record it before it completely left my mind, because it was very interesting. I am not a person who has spiritual experiences, so I'm not calling it that. But I will say that if there is ever a time in your life where your body is prepared and open to a spiritual experience, uninterrupted birth would be that time.

As much as I wanted my mom to be physically here after the birth, in a terrible way, emotionally I didn't miss her as much as I did with Sassy. Sometimes I think she was and is still here, gently, maybe dipping in and out of our home and our reality like I dipped in and out of my dream.

My little Magpie does have a piece of my mother, and so does Sassy and so do I. And she did come out with dark hair. Funny.