the life you want

As you all know, we’re getting ready to move in less than a month. And with this move, we are halving our available square footage. This means I’ve had to halve our belongings to prepare for the new place.

Now as much as I preach against consumerism and material goods to anyone who will listen, I am actually a packrat. So is my husband. And so is Sassy. I would like to say that I’m a packrat because I want to plan ahead and save in these times of fat for times of lean. I’d like to pretend that it adds to my ongoing work toward being a survivalist. But in reality, most of the stuff I hang onto is useless for survival purposes and is kept instead out of either guilt or emotional attachment.

It’s weird the stuff that I get emotionally attached to. It’s beyond what I consider the “normal” items, like photos, gifts from someone special, etc. For example, when I was going through Sassy’s toys, I realized that I am more attached to some of her toys than she is. It was very hard for me to let go of any wooden toys, even if she had far too many of that genre or if she never touched it. It was also hard for me to get rid of any toy that I bought for her, regardless of whether she or I even liked it anymore.

Clothes are a whole ‘nother category where I have a hard time breaking my attachments. I wonder if it’s the memories that the clothes generate? I think it must be. At some point, though, I have to let go of 30 pieces that generate similar memories when 1 piece would do.

We all know about the guilt factor when you’re ridding your home of extra stuff. It goes something like this, “So-and-so gave me this item. I love so-and-so. If I get rid of this item, does that mean I don’t love so-and-so as much? Will so-and-so think that I don’t love them as much?” UGH! It’s exhausting, this constant doubt, this constant caretaking of items to prove our love to so-and-so.

Isn’t it possible to separate love from material items? Isn’t this what the thinking, aware person in the 21st Century should be striving towards?

To help me through this process, my dear friend Lara has been sending me some links to essays that explore this subject. And they have really helped me give myself permission to let go. One essay in particular pointed out the value in articulating what we want our daily life to look like so that we can use this vision to evaluate what stays and what goes. I liked this idea a lot, especially since I always feel that I am trying to get to the point where I can have the life I want. I know that my current daily routine is far from what I want it to be and I feel I’m in constant catch-up mode. I think to myself, “Once I finish all that laundry and get the house cleaned out and finish that project and clean the kitchen and xyz and xyz, then I can spend my days reading to my children and relaxing outside and focusing on their schooling.”

So instead of spending my days being the mother I want to be, I spend them in a whirlwind of work waiting to be finished, my mind darting from one project to another, my efforts flitting between rooms and tasks in 10-minute increments so that by the time I go to bed, nothing is actually completed even though the day is gone. And none of that time was spent focused on my kids.

When I look at the big picture, I can see that the overwhelming majority of my time is spent maintaining my things. It would only make sense that fewer things would equal less time maintaining these things. And this would mean more time spent on fulfilling activities.

What would my day look like if I could snap my fingers and make it all change?

• First and foremost, my things would be organized so that when it was time to leave the house, everything I needed to take with me would be ready to go in 10 minutes time. We would leave the house quickly and easily and arrive at our destination relaxed and on time. This is a daily anger trigger for me.

• I would read a book to my children each day.

• I would snuggle with my children each day.

• Our bills would be paid on time and I would know at all times how much money was in each of our accounts.

• I would spend some time each day outdoors, even in the winter.

• I would connect with Sofie each day in some way.

• I would thoroughly enjoy my morning coffee every morning, by myself, quietly, doing whatever I wished on the computer (internet research, email correspondence, or writing).

• Our dinners would be planned in advance and we would sit down as a family for a meal at least 4 times a week, even if it were just lunch with Jeff still on second shift.

• I would wake up to a clean house and come home to a clean house, so that I didn’t dread coming home from wherever we are.

• Our house would be a comfortable place to drop in and visit at all times.

• Our house would be filled with unique and eclectic things, all of which were loved dearly by at least one person in the home and thoughtfully included in the space.

• I would bake each week with my children.

• I would write each week in my prayer journal and start the week with my church’s Sunday message (which they post online).

• I would tithe.

• I would carefully consider the stuff coming into our house and carefully sort the garbage going out to reduce the impact on our natural world.

• The time I spent smiling would outweigh the time I spent complaining and giving orders.

Wow. You know, there are more, but this is a good start. These aren’t huge items and wouldn’t require all that much to implement. So why am I still whizzing around in my daily whirlwind, where entire weeks or months are sucked away into the netherland, all the while feeling dissatisfied with my life? Why am I not already living the life I want to live?

I usually feel like this sort of thinking is barely above feel-good self-help books that promise you a brand new life but end up blending into the other hundred books on the cluttered bookshelf when you’re finished with it. So I scoff at it, laugh about it, try to accept things the way they are, and try to pretend like the mess around me doesn’t play a part in my being dissatisfied (all the while preaching that a consumerist mindset will lead to dissatisfaction).

But this time, I’m asking myself this question: isn’t making a change in your daily activities to more closely match your value system an example of spiritual growth? And doesn’t true spiritual growth require exercise – exercise such as focused thought and prayer on particular issues or exercise like deliberate changes in your actions and environment? True spiritual growth goes beyond an “a-ha!” moment and overhauling your environment in a spiritual way goes beyond a checklist from the newest self-help book.

Flylady talks quite a bit about “baby steps.” I think this can be a useful idea if you have your own list in front of you, detailing what you want your life to be. Very often, I have a hard time getting from Point A (messy, cluttered whirlwind of a home & a life) to Point B (organized, relaxed home & life) because the logistics get in the way. A good example is this: I want to organize our school & art supplies into one place, but I don’t have a suitable cabinet, so they stay disorganized.

It is helpful for me to anticipate all the logistics and baby steps I’ll need to take to get from Point A to Point B and even write them down if necessary.

On a final note, it helps me to reiterate that things do not equal love. If I love you, I will love you no matter what I do with that thingamabob you bought me a year ago. In fact, for me, time more closely equals love. Instead of spending a couple hours shopping for me, plus $10 on a gift, come spend that 2 hours with me. Let’s spend that $10 on a lunch somewhere or on supplies to do a project together or on an entry fee to a fun activity.

And just so you all know, if I gave you a thingamabob last year, last month, or last week and you don’t want it in your space anymore, please, let it go with joy and abandon! If I loved you enough to give it to you, then I love you enough that I want you to be free.