the old gives way to....the old

So there are these things that I've struggled with for what feels like forever. I remember even when my mom was alive, I still had these things. I remember I wanted to run away once when I was 6 because my mom upset me, hit one of those triggers. We all have triggers, right? Do we all want to run away from them?

My mom told me, "C'mon then, I'll help you pack your bags." If she only knew how much baggage I was packing back then.

I remember when my mom and dad were together, I didn't have many issues then. At least not that I can remember. I was only 3 when they split up, but I remember them fighting a lot, screaming at each other in the living room, and I remember trying to squeeze in between them. I don't remember why. I think I just wanted them to stop fighting.

Running away has been a big theme for me lately. I don't think a day goes by that I don't want to hit the road. Of course, hit the road to where? There really isn't anywhere. At some point, you have to fight your demons because they don't disappear just because you go halfway across the country. I've learned that lesson before too. And yet, the instinct is still there.

Ultimately, running away is probably self-protection. It's better to abandon than to be abandoned, clearly, every time. Abandoning brings power. I remember one particular breakup that involved throwing my ex's stuff out of our shared room while listening to a Green Day album over and over. The music had to match the sense of power I felt I needed at the time. It always has to involve anger, doesn't it? Abandoning whatever you've built for something else. If you didn't have the anger, how could you go through with the leaving part?

Thing is, leaving is usually fairly straightforward and easy. There's always a reason to blame things on someone else; I mean, nobody's perfect after all & if you're looking, you can find something. It's a fairly predictable pattern for me now: I become unwittingly attached to people, even though I think I have fairly decent systems in place for not getting attached to people. Then once I realize it, I realize the capacity is there to be hurt or abandoned, which I don't like. So, I start to become increasingly sensitive to all the warning signs of impending hurt, and then I strike back by leaving first.

Clearly, I recognize the pattern and clearly, I recognize my own culpability. But am I always the only one to blame? When I look back on the past 15 years, I realize that in some instances, I should have fought my own instincts. In some instances, I was wrong to seize the power of the moment and I later came to regret it. But in the majority of my past relationships, I should have cut loose sooner than I did.

I've always had an outer circle & an inner circle. Doesn't everyone? The outer circle is easier to control and easier to deal with. If someone in the outer circle walks away, no big loss, they were an interesting or genuine or generous or kind person; we had some fun, we shared some laughs. Good luck to ya, wish ya the best.

The problem is that inner circle. Sometimes I think I build the Berlin Wall around the inner circle. It's hard to let anyone in, and once you're in, it's hard to get out. Many ex-whatevers (boyfriends, friends, close family) in the past have been competitive, critical, even deliberately hurtful, and it took me way too long to boot them from the inner circle. They were like bad habits; I knew they were toxic, but I kept going back because I didn't know another way. At times, I even thought that was how relationships were and all they could be.

If I had a prayer today, it would go something like this. "God, I know I'm not always a stick-it-out person and I know I've been criticized & even characterized by that before. But please don't let my fear of that characterization make me accept toxic relationships anymore. Please help me stand firm in my own realization that I've entered a needy period of life and will continue to reside there for another year, while I'm raising another newborn. And rather than react to my feelings of shame about my current weakness by accepting substandard relationships, please give me the resolve to recognize and accept only those who are in my life bringing purity of heart and the desire to be genuinely supportive."

I feel a change coming and I think it will be instigated by myself. Actually, it should be instigated by myself. But not in an effort to run away again. Running away is the equivalent of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Instead, I need to seek out answers to such prayers as I've written above and try to live with the right amount of discernment. If nothing else, my past has shown me that continuing a toxic relationship never results in a healthy relationship where both parties build each other up. It just goes on and on, up and down the roller coaster of more damaging to less damaging. And it's such a draining ride.