what is it about stickers?

Thanks DK & Miss Pickle for letting me talk through my issues with Sassy the other day at the park. It helped to just work it out aloud & I got myself all inspired to make some changes.

She has been quite the little TV addict lately, and it's been my own fault for not setting better limits. The TV wasn't the only thing bothering me. It was also the I'm-the-queen-bee attitude. I know that attitude, because it's the same one I had my whole childhood.

Like Sassy, I was the first grandchild in the family, and I wasn't followed by another for 7 years. I was bowed to, catered to, served, picked up after. Anything I wanted was handed to me. Sometimes it took a big ol' temper tantrum to get it, but it was eventually handed to me. I remember the attitude I got along with all the glorious, indulgent attention. It was the attitude that makes other moms in the grocery store roll their eyes and mutter "Brat" underneath their breath. My own mom, despite her disciplinarian intentions, was thwarted by her need to be elsewhere most of the time and the resultant catering I received while in the care of the elderly women in my family.

While Sassy's situation might not be as extreme, her attitude has been growing into the same big hairy monster mine did. I love her unconditionally...that means bad attitude or good. Sick or well. Cranky or pleasant. It also means that I love her enough to start looking for solutions as soon as I see THE ATTITUDE rearing its ugly head. Because the thing I remember very distinctly about my many years with THE ATTITUDE is that I felt unhappy, insecure and generally bad whenever I had it.

What does it look like?

Instead of saying, "Sure, Mommy!" we say, "NO! I don't WANT to!"

Instead of saying, "Hi, friend!" we turn our heads, cross our arms & stomp away.

Instead of saying, "I love you Mommy!" we say, "Get off me! I want my alone time!"

Instead of saying, "OK, I will go. But can we get this show I'm watching from the library?" we scream, cry, kick our toys, stomp upstairs, slam our door, and say "I HATE our house!"

Instead of saying, "Sure, I'll get that!" we say, "You get it Mommy. I don't feel like it right now."

Instead of saying, "Let's snuggle, Mommy," we say, "Turn on the TV and scratch my back Mommy. Give me MY pillow!"

We have our arms crossed a lot. We walk with a swagger, nose high up in the air. We growl, we grunt. It is THE ATTITUDE. It is also a big cry for help out of this crappy place we've found ourselves.

I decided Sassy needed a 3-prong approach. First, she needed to cut her TV time. (Thanks C!) Second, she needed some of my expectations clearly laid out for her, in a way that made them easy to decipher & easy to achieve. Third, she needed clear boundaries and consistent consequences for crossing them.

I made this chart last night.



I explained to her that each time she did one of the tasks on the chart by herself, without complaining, she would earn a sticker. Each sticker equaled 10 minutes of TV time. Each night, we'll add up all her stickers & she can watch a cartoon of that length. If she gets no stickers for the day, she gets no TV at night.

I don't know what it is about those darn stickers, but they sure do motivate! She had already earned 3 stickers (30 minutes TV!) by the time she left for Nana's today! And she did it happily, I might add.

The first day of the chart was great for both of us. Although I sensed it would make her feel more secure to have my expectations clearly defined on paper, the unexpected fringe benefit was that it made me feel more secure and calm too.

Since she took off to Nana's by noon today, I didn't have a chance to see if THE ATTITUDE would have emerged from its dark hole later in the day. If it does tomorrow, a second chart of behaviors that are not allowed will be in order.

Oh, and I almost forgot -- the best part? "I need my alone time!" has been replaced again with, "I love you to the tip of the sky!" To which, of course, I replied, "Well I love you to the tip of the sky -- and back!"