in the water

Where is this tiredness coming from? The utter exhaustion that so many of my friends are complaining of right now, myself very much included? I joke that it's in the county's water, some overdose of chlorine, maybe an undetected parasite. I don't know that I can chuck everything up to a random intestinal worm. Does anyone else feel this dread? This disgust, this profound sadness with everything you see around you?

I've never actually struggled with true depression. I have dealt with grief on many occasions, but I've always had this irritating way of picking myself up off the floor and shaking my inner self into blind optimism. Play a happy tune on a sunny day and my mood was close to 100%. I'm easily swayed by my surroundings.

But not now. I attended a dear friend's wedding today. She was the first of my friends to have a baby and she really struggled. First she had the near impossible task of financially supporting a child with her only support system being a group of notorious slackers. On top of that, she had to constantly hide the mama-crazies. We all know by now what pregnancy, post-partum & toddlerhood do to your hormones and emotional stability. We accept it -- expect it, in fact. She didn't have that luxury.

It was a beautiful wedding. Every single thing about the wedding was perfect and my brain was deliriously happy for her. Still the deep sadness prevailed.

When I go to bed at night, the dread starts. We still co-sleep, so Sassy is close by, and I feel such fear for her. For me and for her. What would I do if I couldn't save her? Perhaps more importantly, why am I so convinced I'll need to?

I feel like there is a constant clock ticking, ticking. The Inconvenient Clock. Sometimes it's much louder than others. Lately, I can't hear anything else.

Looking around, I wonder why everyone doesn't feel it. The commercialism is so blatant and pervasive it's equally as hard to not cringe as to not desire. Our marriages are a joke. The idea of romantic love is our Ring. We would pursue it passionately, casting aside anyone or anything that gets in our way, and the chat board audience stands and cheers, even if we're already married. And if you present a dissenting view, that perhaps your children are more important than your fleeting feelings, or that perhaps the point of marriage isn't to make you happy day in, day out, then you're either a mysogynist or a religious freak.

In fact, as soon as you let your beliefs in Biblical truth leak out, you can assure yourself total disrespect from anyone who does not consider themselves a Christian. Well, it seems, had you come up with these ideas on your own, they might be worthy. But if they're in the Bible then you're just a brainwashed sucker. Now get on out of here so I can have sex with whomever I want whenever I want until there's nothing left for me to give.

At this point, this is becoming disjointed. I realize it, I'm calling myself out for it. And now I'll continue with it.

Over half of the world spend the same amount on every single one of their possessions combined what Americans spend on garbage bags in one year. This is the most sickening statistic I've ever heard. What's more sickening is that nobody seems to care.

I don't know how Al Gore keeps going. He was a major player in the biggest scam our country has seen in a long time -- the year we voted in one man and another man stole it. And everybody shrugged their shoulders and looked for their next comfort. Unrest is uncomfortable. We're a country addicted to comfort. How do you define success? Money, security, comfort. I assure you, great men and women are not built on money, security, and comfort. Nothing great happens when you're securely in your comfort zone.

It is the Great Duping of America. Let's count how we are duped.

1. The food you buy in the grocery store is healthy & safe to eat.
2. Diseases are caused by bad genes.
3. Vaccinations are safe and necessary.
4. Only licensed teachers can properly educate children.
5. Children will have a lifetime of social ineptitude unless they are "socialized" in the classroom.
6. Pet food is healthy and safe and the only option for adequately balanced diet.
7. Premarital sex has no repurcussions if you don't catch a disease or get pregnant.
8. Only pasteurized milk is safe to drink.
9. We live in a democracy.
10. The government cares about our lives & civil rights.
11. You can make yourself happy by buying new things.
12. Our physical comfort is of paramount importance, while seeking spiritual comfort is "weak."
13. The hospital is the safest place to have a baby.
14. Pesticides and herbicides are perfectly safe.
15. You can trust the FDA -- they are objective, impartial, and never bought & sold.
16. Dietary fat makes you fat.
17. Your vote is important.
18. You need a car.

There are so many more. I'm tired of it now. I'm tired of everything, especially watching everyone around me swirl us farther toward midnight. How do you keep on keepin' on? How do you retain optimism when you're not blind anymore?